You text me saying you’re going to a Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Am I supposed to congratulate you on that? You weren’t like this a year ago. Don’t try to impress me with your ‘hey-i’m-a-cool-kid-now-that-i’m-in-college’-ness.
“If the radiance of 1,000 suns were to burst at once into the sky, that would be like the splendor of the mighty one.” I am born; I am the flower that emerges from the dirt, willed by the sun to grow into the light. Dar a luz; I am the captain who leads his ship to the promised land from the stormy depths of sea. I am Moses; I am the burning bush. I am the spirit of the Apache. Oh, my unconquerable soul; I am the voice that raises the dead. Did you see me fall, stumble into the path of the righteous man and resurrect from the grave like Lazarus? Or did it look like I was done, with a white flag waving from my backside like the tail of a dog. Oh contraire, “le mort c’est rien, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.”
Does my hubris leave a bad taste in your mouth? Does it make you mad? Does it make you want to stop reading? I hereby declare today my last day in the material world; I only live in the world of the ideal, of the beautiful, of the light. Today is the day of the solstice. “E’ meglio vivere un giorno da leone che cent’anni da pecora.” Today, I have traded my sheepskin for a lion’s mane which I wear to crown my victorious heart. You can blame my pride on the public schools which have been like Santa Ana winds to the California wildfires in my belly. Oh, how they spread to my core. In the name of Dibler, Reier, Hiltner, Senior, Powell-Walker, Bruneel, McCabe, Soso, Farrar, Gonzalez, Gonzalez, Menchetti, Games, Woolley, Merletti, Bobadilla, Dinerman, Jackson PhD, Deitchman, Al-Atrash, Chaudhry, Huck, Bredland and my man Altaner I ascribe my internal voice, that speaks only in ques- tions. And with the words that come forth like lightning rods, through the power of my pen, I become ruler of the universe.
Go get my eyelids of blue paint. I am the samurai that hides in the shadow of the leaves, silently plotting the redemption of his self-consciousness. I am the young Spartan that defeats his master in combat and is ready for war. So, please allow me to stand atop this mountain of words and reclaim my title: I am a Warrior in the boat of Ra! I am destined for Greatness!
Honestly, if I was to be thankful for something, I think it’d be the fact that April and May happened. I feel like I’m more able to stand up for myself now. I don’t allow myself to be pushed around as much I think.
I don’t know how she made it ‘cause I wasn’t paying attention, but it’s got a really nice natural lime flavor with a clementine inside it. And then there is a lime-zest jello topping so give it a little more flavour. Whipped cream added if desired.
Facebook meme my friend did. Just to see if I'm a bookworm or not P:
INSTRUCTIONS: Have you read more than 6 of these books? The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here. Copy this into your NOTES. Bold those books you’ve read in their entirety, italicize the ones you started but didn’t finish or read an excerpt. Tag other book nerds. Tag me as well so I can see your responses!
1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling (all)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch – George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
34 Emma – Jane Austen
35 Persuasion – Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Berniere
39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne
41 Animal Farm – George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding
50 Atonement – Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel
52 Dune – Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
72 Dracula – Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses – James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal – Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession – AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94 Watership Down – Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo
It would appear that I am not. I’ve heard of a bit of these though. And was going to read them at one point out of curiosity…
Sometimes, I look at you and think “How Sad.” You have no particular hobby you enjoy and pursue. Guitar is something you neglect more and more, and when you do play it, sometimes you say “This isn’t a really good guitar. I want the one that R has. Her’s is the same as __ and it has really good quality too.” That’s the second one you’ve gotten. And you spent 3 months clamouring for it. And now? That. My violin cost $70. It’s just about the most worthless instrument you’ll ever find, but I still play it even though I’m terrible because I like orchestra, and I like being able part of a group that can create some pretty damn good music if you ask me. And…I just like being able to produce something out of my own two hands. It’s a good feeling. Makes you feel happy that you’re capable of something. But back to you. All you really do is sit at the computer. You look at Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, PerezHilton, etc. You watch countless shows and movies. But all those do is pass the time. You’re only hurting yourself by doing that. I’d say what I do, but then I’ll start feeling like I’m just trying to be better than you, which I’m not. I just think you need to find an interest in life. Not a guy, ‘cause I already know you’re obsessed about Him. You need something to pursue in life. You’re just miserable like this, which leads you to Complain and Whine. You begin to think that money is everything, and that with money, there comes Happiness. Happiness comes through doing something you enjoy. I love Art. I may not be great at it and it’s likely I won’t be able to make a living off of it, but I know that I’ll always have it with me. I don’t have to worry about losing my love for it because it’s been an integral part of my life ever since I was tiny. I’ve never really been able to take a real class until now, and it’s a hell of a lot of work with not that much time [in my opinion], but I’m really happy. It’s really the one class I look forward to during the weekdays [besides psych haha] and that made going to school so much better. I…don’t know. I just want you to find something to be happy for. It’s not pleasant to be faced with your Complaints [there was another word, but I can’t think of it for the life of me]. You don’t actually like anything. Maybe I’m a horrible person, but I don’t really even know what you like that doesn’t come at a large monetary price. You’re just not Happy. What’s going to happen to you in the future?
Growing up I had the urge to just meet people. People were always fascinating. The way they react to things, the way they lie, the way they think other people don’t think they’re lying. It’s amazing.
When you find yourself sitting in coffee shop, after coffee shop you tend to run into those rare people who… aren’t idiots. You meet these people at the park, at stores, at coffee shops. No matter how common the place, the most uncommon people tend to be there. The difficult part is deciphering when to appear and when to disperse.
The people who grew up in the harshest environments were forced to grow up at a more rapid pace than those who are sheltered their whole life. The tasks laid out for them are completely different than the usual, “bad grades equals no phone” problems a sheltered teenager deals with. You will learn after time that the people who seem to fit the title of weird or abnormal are the people that you want to know. You will learn how interesting the weirdest people are.
Our generation is a very competitive one. The people who I speak about will most likely not survive in this corporate environment. The people who I speak about will be looked up as failures and giving the worst titles without them knowing it. The judgement that will be passed onto them will be the clothes they’re wearing and the place they are, not based on their intellectual abilities.
We were raised to be the best we could be. Then, after years and years, many switch that to being the best society wants them to be. The few, the people I speak about, knowledge themselves and live a life of individual pleasure. The consequence is never being approached by the opposite end of the rope.
Sometimes, you think you’re looking at other people as weird, but people are looking at you as that.
See, I did not know I was looked as abnormal. I thought every 13 year old kid ordered a latte, every Monday night with a cigarette at hand. No one ever spoke a word to me about it, no one really cared.
I thought it was because I was always keeping to myself. I’d see the same original people here every Monday, but they looked as if they were always in a rush. Always in a goddamn rush. I wanted to hold a conversation with them. I wanted to find out about their lives and their dreams, but… no one does that anymore. Not many people sit down with a stranger and just… talk.
I’d walk to the coffee shop after school and sit in the same position for hours. I’d stumble home around nine, but no one gave a fuck. I was known around the coffee shop as, “that kid who smokes” but at home I was known as, “that fucking son who comes home late”.
Home was nothing too fancy. Some one bedroom, one bathroom apartment with my mom. It was just us two. No father figure, no siblings, nothing. Well, no one knew that except me and the cops. Apparently, my mom has been given a gift; 5 overdoses and zero deaths. Miracle, right?
I don’t know who I can talk to when it comes to a personal level. I don’t have many friends. Sure, I have acquaintances, but no one I can trust. That’s why I would get in conversations with those “Normal” people. It wasn’t often, but it was often enough.
Usually, the ages were around 60+. No one in their mid-life wants to talk to a random, boy smoking. That’s how I am viewed.
They would come up to me, as I’m sitting outside on my green colored, medium sized chair.
“Hey, you do know smoking is bad, right?”
I’d hear it every once in a while. If anything, that’s all I’d hear from someone. I wouldn’t respond. I’d look at them in their wrinkly face and tired eyes and… smile. A smile, what a gift. Makes everything a little more… serious. No matter the situation, a simple smile can change the whole conclusion of something.
So, I would wait to see how their face would change. I would want to see if they’d think I’m a brat or if they think there’s more behind why I’m out here, alone. The whole night, I’d people watch. I’d people watch and people would watch me.
Those who sat down, would initiate the conversation. They would either talk to me as a parent or friend. I always wished that they would talk to me rather than judgement, but I suppose that’s inevitable. It’s as if I would flip a fucking coin every time I meet something. Good or bad conversation.
Then, I’ll never forget her.
See, when a conversation happens between you and someone else that’s amazing beyond belief, you never forget it. People forget people, people forget names, places, addresses, etc. But, people never forget the conversation that changes their life.
Here I am, sitting down at my usual, uncomfortable, green chair simply watching the traffic pass. I inhale and exhale my cigarette and tilt my head back to simply sigh to the clouds. It’s my usual routine. As I bring my head back, I see this woman walk towards me.
See, I say woman because her strut was far beyond any girl’s I’ve ever encountered. The confidence in her walk and the posture she had was beautiful. We connected eye to eye and I knew she was coming to me.
“You do know smoking is bad, right?”
Fuck. Flipped a coin and failed.
“I do know that, see. But the fact I know that and not stopping should be enough for you to realize your little add on, isn’t going to do much”
“Well then. I see you every Monday. Same stance in your seat, same cigarette, same drink. I see you watching the cars and I see you watching the people who have things to do. I watch you, watch them.”
Now, I’m stuck. I wonder, how long has she been watching me? How long have I missed her? How have I never seen her? I’m stuck, but she continues.
“I’ve never heard you speak, I’ve never seen you move. I’ve seen you speak to others, but maybe once or twice. People talk about you, you know? They talk about how you never move. They speak about if they should speak to you. Haha, they even think about giving you money.”
“Wow, really? How long have you been watching me?”
“Yeah, it’s true. Now, I have a question for you; What now?”
She ignored my question. Why? I don’t know.
“What do you mean, what now?”
“What now. What now after all your days watching, waiting, sitting. All those cigarettes. All those cups of coffee. All those conversations with strangers who you’ll never meet again. What now? What are you going to do with your life? You’re young, real young. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but if someone as quiet as you attract so much attention, there has to be something about you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. I don’t know what job I want. I don’t know what title I am willing to have in society. Titles and tiles. No one seems to look behind it, so why have it?
“I don’t know. You know what? Why the fuck does it concern you? Huh? You don’t even fucking know me. You think you can walk up to me and speak to me as if you know me. I might as well get the fuck up and leave. I got better things to do.”
Watched RM’s edition of it today. It was pretty good. Helen thought it was a little too long [3 hours, all dialogue lol] and Clara thought it was sorted of a con ‘cause the writers didn’t actually write it.
Look it up.
It’s about a gay person who was beaten and tied to a fence and left to die. And then the whole play is like a documentary in a sense, where a theatre company interviewed over 200 people and read journals and stuff before compacting it into a 3 act play. As there are about 86 characters in there and only 30-some actors, many had dual or tri parts. The really interesting part about it was that the actors played parts that were completely opposites of each other. One was a good friend of the victim, and then also a friend of the accused. And then another was pro (or at least no against) from homosexuality and then also played a Baptist minister that was completely against the idea by word of the bible. It was Ironic, funny, really amazing.
Aww I should’ve told people to watch it earlier. This night was closing night. But I only found out about it today ‘cause Alice watched it yesterday and then later Clara was all “Hey, anyone hear of the Laramie Project that wants to go with me?” at GCC loll.
Today, Mrs. M came up to me and asked if she could use the drawing I did in the beginning of the year for a some contest. I gave her the go.
"…I’m in shock."
…Indeed I was. [Yeah I actually said that too LOL.] She went up to Kelly earlier in the period for the same reason and I was really excited for her ‘cause man, being in a contest is kind of effing cool. I didn’t give any thought about it after that. …Or at least until Mrs. M came up to me like 20 minutes later hahaa. My mind was blownn.
So I’m really excited for that~ I know it’s unlikely that I’ll place anything ‘cause for one, I BSed the end of my drawing ‘cause it was kind of the deadline and I didn’t want to look at it anymore XDD [though the prospect of it is like whoa.] and second, Kelly’s painting was gorgeousss. Even if she hates it, I thought it was pretty amazing :)